AN ODE TO MY MOON CHILD

ODE TO MY MOON CHILD

I felt you kick in my womb for the first time last night, and I must admit; it's the first time I have felt warm in a really long while. Pretty much like the time I was so happy and the hugest problem I had was mother's temper tantrums. Or the time I tasted a caramel milkshake and decided it was my favorite. Danced in the rain with my friends because we had completed our finals. Once, I slow danced to a dancehall beat because life (and dance) is what you make it. I can't wait to tell you about all my adventures when you are finally born. I'll tell you how life is a maze, plenty of ups and plenty of downs. The doctor told me I'm going to have a girl, so we shall have plenty of girl time. I want you to confide in me.
I'll teach you to make lemonade when life throws lemons at you, and I'll tell you this everyday until you realize it's my favorite quote. Mostly because I have to recite it until I believe it.
Some day, I'm going to tell you of your history and how you came to be born. And I'll tell you what a curse it seems to be when you're female. I'll read stories to send you to sleep. I bet you'd like to hear about the wise hare, right? I loved stories about him too. Maybe I could get a written version of the Tom and Jerry cartoon; your uncle is still glued to the television because of it.
And when you're old enough, I have one more story to tell you, just so you don't find out from anybody else.
The story of a girl whose life was taken away from her by a man just because he could. Whose dress was ripped and soiled as her body was violated in the most
perverse way possible. She screamed. Cried. Begged. But that was not enough. That is never enough. The whimpers and pleading spurred her tormentor on. Ideally, I'd compare it to trying to extract a pin that is stuck in your heel. When I was your age, I was told that any attempts to remove the same drove it even further inside your heel and worsened the pain. Think of it the same way.
I don't know if the part of her that she lost can ever be recovered. It scarred her permanently. She has this deep fear of intimacy, I've watched her shriek at the slightest form of physical contact. I've watched her cry herself to sleep and seen her hands shake every time she reaches for the door handle to head outside. I have watched her pick herself up plenty of times after a meltdown because she sought help and found it. Because she chose redemption over and over again. I have watched tears fill her eyes every time another monster got away with his actions simply because it was their word against another frail victim. And their word always wins. And the society was quick to wonder why the victim indulged the monster. They are very unforgiving, almost like the victim should have to apologize for something. I need you to be different from them. A monster remains so , and defending one makes you of the same kind.

Because I know you're going to wear your heart on your sleeve, I know this story is going to make you cry a lot more than I did. So I'll be there to hold you and tell you that everything will be okay. And when you're finally ready, I'll tell you, the girl is your mum. That you're the result of that fateful evening. And if you really want to know, I'll tell you who your father is. And I'll repeat my favorite quote to you because you're the lemonade I made through it all. I'll tell you over and over again, how you're the most beautiful thing that has ever crossed my path and I love you with all that I am. And nothing could ever possibly change that.
I'll talk to you about forgiveness, because it's the first step to healing. That letting go of the anger, pain, hurt, releases you more than them and you deserve peace. You deserve to smile and be okay. To breathe. And as I say these words to you, I'll stare at the reflection they make in your eyes and feel them ring true in my own heart.
When we have both cried our eyes out, I'll lull you into a deep, sate sleep and say a prayer over you. Wish you a life where monsters pay for their wrongs, where perpetrators aren't victims. Where victims are unheard of and there is no need to be termed a 'survivor'. I'll pray you appreciate rain and blue skies, new beginnings, happy endings, the cleansing of a new day, the value of healthy relationships. That you're always safe and protected, that you love always love yourself and everyone around you (cautiously). Guard your heart like those little dolls I'm sure you're going to love. I'll pray you don't have to use the pepper spray we bought or self defense tactics I made you learn because I don't want you backed into such a corner.
But most of all, I'll thank the big guy for blessing me with you. For what a great woman you're going to turn out to be, just like your mummy. My pretty warrior. I'll thank him for putting the smile back on my face after everything that happened that July. Everything.
For being the day that broke after a long period of darkness.
Maybe, I'll name you, Dawn.